Celebrating, Capturing & Remembering Life's Special moments
Later that night after telling the family I went and hung out with my sister Becca for a while where she was dog/house sitting. We talked and dreamed, she wanted to talk about finances and what her next savings goal should be. So proud of her! She made it through college completely debt free, and I'm slightly jealous that I could already share baby step 3 and 4 with her of Dave Ramsey's plan. All the conversations were full of bunny trails into mommyness and auntyiness, talk of baby clothes and dreams. She wanted to take me out right then and there to go shopping. We ate a super healthy supper thinking of growing baby big and strong. Salad, green peppers, celery and hummus. I passed on the blue and feta cheese like a good mommy who had already done her research on what to avoid.
I went home around 6:00 I think, and rested, doing more browsing/dreaming on the internet while David enjoyed some time with his good friend. I felt crampy and gassy, and wondered if maybe too much green stuff was causing extra gas.
Before going to bed that night, I noticed that what had been VERY light spotting (I mean super light, like when you just brush your teeth a little to hard) which had been going on for a couple days, had gotten a little bit heavier and redder. I didn't want to worry David though, because he had been almost ready to bring me to the ER when I mentioned the very light spotting before, which I researched and found was very common in the first trimester.
This is what I wrote later that night in my prayer document:
12:01 AM 12/31/12

You know how I was just asking for protection for my little one? I think my little one is gone. No. I know he/she is gone. My stomach was hurting and gurgling so I got up because I figured my bladder was full..[details spared]..that I’m pretty sure was my baby. I’ve sat here in shock, cried a little. Contemplated waking David up. It just seems so wrong that my baby is ....! .... I go back and forth with myself being mad and happy that I told family today. Now I have people to share my pain, but now they all know as well and I’ll need to tell them soon before they joyously accidentally spread the wonderful news that is now no longer true.

They were so excited! Oh Lord, the few days that we knew about this baby it was soooo loved! The few hours my family has known it’s little life was so greatly celebrated with smiles, and laughter and excitement. I can’t believe this happened to me. Not in a way like I don’t deserve this, why, more like, I just can’t believe it happened. Although I’ve been afraid of it for a couple days, which is almost as long as I knew my baby existed.

Lord, does this mean other kids will be hard to have in the future? How is it that something so important could possibly just go on with us in normal life. I don’t really get this. But who ever really gets death and loss? I’m tempted to start blaming myself for not doing things right, but I HAVE been trying to do things right and been working hard to do so since I knew, and even ebing slightly cautious before hand. Makes me wonder, was it the pizza at lunch? Was it the salad I had for supper? The hummus? Was there a specific cause?

What a horrible way to start the new year.

I am debating now if I should wake up David and let him know. Does a husband get to take off work because of this kind of loss? Or does life just kind of keep tinkering along as before as if nothing ever happened? Never thought this would happen to me. Never happened to my mom, so I figured I had healthy stuff going for me.

Is it because of being overweight? Did I kill my baby by not having taken care of my body before? And here I go, probably into dangerous territory, where I could slip into some bad thinking and start to beat myself up with blame. Oh, and I want to so badly! I want to beat myself up with blame, rather than just sit here, sad and vulnerable to the grief. Do I wake David up, or do I need this time for myself to process? Is it better to process this first myself and then again with him, or do so with him in the first place. Would he want to be woken up? He was so worried yesterday when I told him about the very light spotting. It was so light. He got so worried, that I tried to lighten it up, and tell him it was probably nothing and I just needed to talk about it with someone. Now here it happens. Could it have been prevented by going to the doctor sooner?
Ahh man. All that excitement. Seeing how excited everyone was made me a little worried that we did tell them. Will it diminish the excitement and tamper the joy when we announce the same thing in the future? O little sweet pea baby. How loved you were in your short few weeks of life! If only you had stuck around to experience that love for the rest of your life. Oh how I was looking forward to holding you! Your aunt, Becca even said the same tonight! How I looked forward to the day I would snuggle you, and nurse you. Already I longed for the day when I would feel your kicks and share those special moments with David. How I looked forward to the idea of my job solely being that of your mother! Why leave us so soon? I suppose we will never understand. Do babies as little as you get to be in heaven? Will I meet you someday? Will I someday get to hug you and see if you would have had David’s dark curly hair?

I think I’m ready to wake up David. I just need a hug now. OH man! Lord, this sucks! I never use that word, but if ever there were an appropriate time it would be now.

1:16 AM
....Couldn’t it just be a bad dream? I've been having such vivid dreams lately....

9:07 AM

Just woke up maybe an hour ago and haven’t stopped crying. I am still......and achy. My tears feel unquenchable for right now, and I don’t know when they will stop. But it feels pure, and good in some way. Mourning at it’s purest. Mourning the loss of the blessing you gave us. But not with anger or bitterness (yet). I’m just kind of at a point where I really want some physical touches and hugs and someone to cry with me. We’ll see if mom or Becca can come. Maybe one of them could help me to eat or clean up....

Lord, I don’t even know what to ask for in this moment. Comfort? Strength? This must be the kind of situation where the Holy Spirit intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

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