The next morning I woke up crying from a dream, and in the dream I was crying uncontrollably for no reason at work and in the dream I wondered if it was hormones making me cry. The dream was so vivid that I woke up and kept crying for a little bit. That made me wonder if possibly hormones could affect the emotions in a dream as well, and I’m not really a person to normally cry that hard. So I went ahead and did the test. It was positive. I couldn’t believe it! I mean I had suspected, but was trying not to hope for it really and had really been telling myself that I was just psyching myself into the symptoms. But there was proof, although one of the lines was faint. After much research I found out however that no matter how faint, positive is positive. I spent the day thinking, dreaming and wondering how to tell David. When the mailman delivered several packages of ink and such I thought of the perfect way. Being just a few days after Christmas I wrapped all the packages David had gotten. Then I also put some diapers, a baby bottle and bib along with a card and the test in the bottom of the bag. The card said on the front “we got our first placement!” and on the inside I explained it wasn’t the placement we were expecting, but one placed by God.
When David got home he found it amusing that I had wrapped his packages, and even on opening the one with baby stuff, just said “oh you got some more free stuff in the mail today!” I don’t think he recognized it was free stuff I had already had in preparing for foster kids. He read the card and was still a little bit confused, but was super happy once I finally explained. We went to the store to get another test, because we really didn’t want our hopes up if for some reason the one test was defective. The next morning, sure enough, no doubt or faint lines this time. I was pregnant! Oh man we were so happy! We discussed how or when we should share our news and when I should get in to the doctor and all that stuff I’m sure happy couples who find out they are pregnant talk about.
How can I explain the overwhelming love I felt for that tiny life growing inside me? All the uncomfortable symptoms are just wonderful proof of the miracle of life, and every time I felt a little bit nauseous, I’d touch my stomach and thank God for my baby. How can I explain the look of love and joy in David’s eyes, when I told him he was a Daddy? He was the proudest Daddy I know. Just the knowing was such an amazing, intimate, blessed thing. To share the joy of being new parents, even just to a baby the size of a pea is probably the best thing in the whole world!
It is a joy that is so hard to keep to yourself. We went on to work the next day trying to pretend the best thing in the world hadn’t just happened to us. Saturday (we found out Thursday) we talked about telling our parents or not, and David decided he really did want to tell them (how can the proudest Daddy in the world keep quiet?) I was a little more hesitant, but decided that I did want them to know, because I really wanted to be able to ask my mom questions, and go to our moms for advice and so on. Besides, while a little nervous and scared about being a new mommy, I was quite proud and busting at the seams with the news as well. Even on the side of caution I reasoned, without really thinking it would be a problem, that if for some reason something bad happened, I would still want them to know.
I was so glad that it was a fifth Sunday, because we had family worship, meaning no elementary kid's programs. This meant I got to sleep in (making a little person is hard work and was making me quite sleepy that week!) I got to share a leisurely breakfast with David, and best of all I got to go to church with David. Might not sound so special, but for me this is the biggest treat in the world! Being the Children’s Ministry Director at our church, I barely ever get to the same service as David, and actually hadn’t even been to a service at all in a month and a half. I soaked in every second of sitting close to David worshipping. Squeezing his hand and nudging him as he nudged me back when the pastor talked about 2013 being a blank calendar full of possibilities.
What ways might God be wanting us to fill our calendars this year? I imagined my calendar full with doctor’s appointments, ultrasounds, baby showers, baby bump pictures and finally sleepless nights and precious cuddles as I learned how to live out what I think is the most important calling in the world: being a mother. I knew that David was considering a similar calendar.
At one point in the service we sang the song “Blessed be your name”. I lifted my hands in worship, and smiled inside thanking God for the blessing of life growing inside me. I blessed his name for that, and tried to completely ignore the line of “and takes away”, but prayed earnestly for God to protect the little life and please not let it be taken away. Perhaps this was the first sense of foreboding? My first sense of fear that I brushed away? Was this God preparing my heart to still bless his name in sorrow? I’ve looked back at my prayers though, and in each entry since I knew, I did every few paragraphs ask for the protection of my little one.
After church, David went on home ahead to get some pizzas at Papa Murphy’s while the rest of us lingered visiting at church. I was so excited and nervous as we walked up to our apartment with my family. Wondering what their reactions would be to the cards on their plates. To my utter amusement, though slight disappointment, when they got in the door, my mom commented “oh! Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle” and said nothing more. They all noticed and went to sit in the living room thinking nothing of it! Ha! I realized that we had already been preparing them for those titles with foster care, and so while maybe they thought the cards on the plates were strange, they figured it had something to do with that.
After everyone had left, I sat back and thought about it all. I thought how blessed I was to have an amazing family and support network. I thought about how much our lives would all change. I wondered what my parents and mother in law were feeling as they contemplated being grandparents. I pinned stuff on pinterest to my new secret “baby” board. I wondered how others would react, and when I should tell close friends. I dreaded trying to make an appointment with a doctor, but told myself that anything uncomfortable like doctor’s appointments would be totally worth it for the sake of my baby. I mean I would have to do lots of calling doctor’s in the next few years, right? I needed to grow up past my utter dislike of phone calling, because now I was a mommy. So I put it first on my to do list for Monday morning, hoping I could get an appointment for Tuesday so that David could come with. I wondered if possibly they would do a sonogram and we could see our little baby. Other moms due about the same time in August that I saw posts from in the forums on the pregnancy apps said they had seen their little babies, and some even said they saw little heart beats!
I marveled at how much love could exist for such a small being. How much joy this little baby brought to our family that day, and I prayed again for the protection and healthy growing of my little one. I looked again and again at pictures of babies in the range of weeks mine might be, and started to look forward to the doctor's appointment, because maybe I would find out if my baby was the size of a sweet pea, a blueberry or a raspberry. Maybe I would find out if my little baby already had tiny fingers and toes. Could it be possible that there was any baby in the world as loved and wanted as this one?